Bragging and FFL

GRANTS B.I.T is A.B.T.M (A bit too much)

I am sure you all received the email from Grant (B.I.T one)   "B.I.T" boasted Grant.  “Wow” thought I, he must have been playing top of the ladder Colemen or hard to beat Boners, maybe duel premiership WAS and should be proud of his win.  When I looked at who he beat, his triumph wasn’t quite as grand. He beat the Rah Rahs.  That’s right, bottom of the ladder, yet to win, no idea what he’s doing Rah Rahs.  “But hang on wise commissioner, I have beaten Rah Rahs too” I hear you say “I wasn’t bragging about it”  Yes that is true. Bragging about beating Rah Rahs is like bragging about whaling on the under 10’s netball girls in a game of British Bulldog.  Not that I am calling Andrew a girl.

Rah rahs – are they the third girl’s team?

The Commissioner has done some digging because despite Andrew’s constant losses, he has scored some decent results.  In fact in one week, he would have beaten every team, except the team he played.   That’s just the cruelty of FFL (and the hilarity of it too!!) This commissioner has found out that Andrew is in fact NOT picking his team but it is in fact his partner in crime and in life!  And she is of course a GIRL!!!!  So the Rah Rah’s are in fact the third girl’s team in the league (still not calling Andrew a girl)

More Boasting

This year has been the year of the gloat as even the even tempered Wendy was heard to boast   “I beat Grant!!” she cried  “I beat Grant”.  The win is funny because it was only by one point, and even funnier because Wendy probably added it up wrong. 

Bringing Numeracy into the FFL

I take my iSMART goals very seriously and I am about to introduce some mathematics into the FFL.  Maths is a wonderful friend, especially when it helps put shit on people.  The ladder is only one way to measure the success of failures of an FFL team but there are other measures.  Such as Average Score For, this helps show consistency in scoring.  So which team is consistently bad?  Special mention needs to be given to Dan Mayes Aardvarks.  He is only averaging one more point more than Rah Rahs!!  What does your spread sheet say about that DAN? 

Wendy is actually performing well below average, scoring lower totals than Rah Rahs!  (even though she has had two victories) That's the type of maths that's funny. 

Bleeding Blue is bleeding percentage wise and this is of course is because of Cristian’s inability to email a team on two occasions, which resulted in two 70 point scores.  It means that Karl must have a win up his sleeve if he wants to be in the top 5.  Karl you don’t always get what you want, put your eggs in the Panther basket if you want finals glory

A Marriage is on the line

Next week offers a real conundrum.  It is the first time Sophie and Karl will be pitted against each other (other than the time the wall paper debate ensued)   People doubt that both teams will go hard at it.  They couldn’t be more wrong. While Karl has Super Mario Cart sorted and constantly beats Sophie, football is one place that both are highly competitive.  Sophie may or may not have called Karl a “Johnny Come Lately” last year about a football matter and this may or may not have pissed Karl off a fair bit (because he has autistic qualities when it comes to football information).  These two will be fighting until the bitter end for bragging rights.  So no need to worry FFLers, we are both in it, to win it.  (PS Sophie won the wall paper debate)

Questions have been raised in recent weeks of Matt Lucas’ recent good form.  This commissioner has taken a leaf out of Ratten’s book and decided to do some spying and has come up with some startling discoveries. 

This photo was taken the week after the draft.  You may recognise this man……



Matt, you may want to

 add players that score points

What a novel IDEA!!!!!!!!

 The above exchange does explain a lot. That’s right,  the person who inspired the default team. (although to be fair he did hand in more teams than Cristian) is helping Matt win games. Trev was a mastermind of the game, he kept winning even though he did not submit any teams.   I know what you are thinking, why would Trev help Matt when he didn’t even hand in teams himself?  Well the commissioner had a conversation with Andrew Johns who said “Trev was very upset how he was not invited back, so he wanted to bring FFL into disrepute and what better way than to have Matt actually win the whole competition, so he is helping him get over the line to get you back. Also that Waterhouse bloke can’t be trusted”  And as we all know Andrew Johns is all legit!

In other “weird that they keep winning” news are the Boners.  The reasons for Malcolm’s wins are of course much clearer.  Working at a prestigious private school in a prestigious position means he doesn’t have to do all that much.  He has his secretary do his photocopying for him, while the poor plebs at Upwey have to beg to increase our photocopy budget by 25 cents so we can at least run a class.  Malcolm has his coffees made (from a local café, none of that instant stuff) and I have it on good authority he receives a daily fanning session with a harpist playing in the background. The fanning is zephyr like and pleasant.  The harp music is soothing and mindful and you don’t have to suck on a raison. (Mal you may have to ask Hedy for an explanation of this line)  What does this mean for FFL?  Well Malcolm simply has more time to research, more time to pontificate and more time to strategize.  

Some people who are clearly not strategizing are Tom and Andrew.  Tom’s results have been most disappointing.  It all started when he came late to the draft and it was all downhill from there.  It’s like if you run late in the morning, for some reason you just run late all day.  Once an FFL enthusiastic, not sure what has happened here.  I hope it’s not Andrew getting into his ear about that stupid other football game people play in Australia (and I don’t mean soccer).   It seems Tom looks forward to FFL starting all off season.  Yet like a child who anticipates what they will get  at Christmas time, disappointment can ensue.    When the said child receives a knitted woollen jumper from NAN  instead of an xbox, sometimes anticipation doesn’t amount to satisfaction.   The same could be said for Tom’s underperforming Magpies.  Dreams of ultimate success do rely on you handing in a decent team.  Otherwise it is a very long off season.  

And as for Andrew’s team.   The ONE week I suggest his team has some chance of winning, what does he do?  Fails to submit a team!  Maybe as the new kid on the block he wants to keep Tom happy by being crappier than him.  However Andrew, nothing can compete with the feeling that you beat your boss!  It only comes close to the feeling of beating Grant.  Step up your game McNeill, we don’t want another “Cristian” (VERB: to pull out because you’re a wuss) 

And finally the Panthers, they are not immune to my criticism.  They have been playing very poorly all year and I think the chemist is to blame.  The coach, in a bid to win a second title, decided that it wouldn’t harm anyone much if she ordered some performanced enhancing drugs.  Unfortunately her chemist heard de-enhancing drugs and decided to mix Xanox,  chloroform, stilnox and a thickshake.  The fact they had to inject this did seem suspicious but Sophie preferred to bury her head in the sand (a technique working very well at Bomber land)  

The double round seemed to work very well and there was a mix of wins and losses all round.  IT also felt very satisfying knocking off two games at once.  Its like finishing that huge pile of correction in only half the time (or so I have heard, my correction pile never ends)

So keep up the good work coaches!  Let’s see what carnage the ladder will go through in the next third of the season!

 

This commissioner has had enough!  She doesn’t understand why people do not consider FFL their number one priority.  It’s time to smarten up!

Some of the major issues of the week:

1.       Herald Sun statistics.  You may have remembered my email campaign to the Herald sun last year, well it has paid off! Did you notice clangers are back?  And at the end of the game hit outs are included (when they have never been included).  I will give you an excerpt from an email I have received:

“Dear Sophie the almighty commissioner.  You were right, we should have included clangers and hit outs.  We will endeavour to make FFL coaching easier, and we are very sorry for inconveniencing you so much last year” yours Herald Sun sports guy

2.       Big Pussies: The FFL is not a place for the faint hearted. It’s a man’s game (with some women involved too of course). Every year we have some cry babies who just couldn’t take it. Waaaaaaa, it’s too hard, waaaaa it takes too long, waaaaaaa I didn’t realize how crap my football knowledge is.  This year is no exception. After only two weeks, Cristian’s Gurrens are goners.  “No time” Cristian said.  I am SURE  he is busier than a PRINCIPAL of a school!  “I don’t want to be anyone’s whipping boy” he complained.  I mean everyone knows that’s why Andrew is in the league.  But unlike Cristian, Andrew isn’t going to let a small thing like having no idea stand in his way.  Very disappointing

 

3.       New Team “Bleeding Blue”  Since Cristian can’t coach, half of the super team, Black Panther’s Karl Kanofski, will be taking over this team.  But I am sure you will all agree Gurren is a stupid name.  Karl has decided to call the team Bleeding Blue.  The irony is that despite Coach Karl’s major protest about picking up Westhoff as a Panther, he now has him as a Bleeding Blue and is very happy.  I think it means all of Coach Sophie’s decisions were awesome.

 

4.New team name 2 Rah Rahs.  After careful contemplation, Coach McNeil has decided that concentrating on his team is a waste of time and he should work on important aspects, like team names.  We all knew Rugby Recruits was a bit of a silly name but Rah Rah’s?  Crap Craps would have suited more.  But each to their own.  Rah Rahs will be replacing Rugby Recruits.  Hey at least McNeill is still in the competition!

Hand in your teams people and keep this FFL league as powerful as any performance enhancing drug.

FFL Draft and the odds for this year

A new year and a chance for a new coach to win the ultimate prize (please for the love of god!).  So after careful calculation, hours of statistical deliberations and a whole lot of guess work, here is my take on the season ahead.

Never Nevers:  Wendy did very well in the draft, perhaps being away for the draft is a key to her success.  Big Cox was a great pick up and she had Dependles as well!  A very good chance for ultimate success.   5 to 1

WAS: We heard the term “dual premiership player” far too often, so god help us all if we have to listen to “triple premierships”  WAS heart doesn’t seem in it this year, with his anti AFL speeches.  WAS may be against supplements, but we in the FFL are against tall poppies.  Time to cut him down and stick him in the weed whacker.  10 -1

Principled Magpies:  As was said in the draft, Tom was choosing very well, until he turned up.  Mystery surrounds why he was so late.  I think he was hunting down all those who haven’t done the ILPs.  It certainly wasn’t collecting statistics, he come more unprepared than Gold Coast Suns.  Too many strange choices, Didak? Shows Tom certainly was not on performance enhancing drugs of any sort.   15-1

Rugby Recruits: The new boy in town didn’t do as miserably as I initially predicted. Some decent picks, including Garlett and Enright very late in the rounds. A huge disappointment that he didn’t choose the only rugby player Karmichael Hunt, just for the giggles.  However his chance of winning the whole thing would result in more than just giggles.    50-1

Bulawayo Rhinos: The thought of Grant winning the FFL is just mind numbing to all.  “Really you won the footy tippng last year? I haven’t heard that before” will never be said by anyone who knows Grant.  There are too many rule changes this year and you can see the three week final series is already making this fuddy duddy anxious.   7-1

The Colemen:  The Colemen coach kindly offered his statistics to share at the FFL table.  It may have been a ploy though, he had never done well using his stats, so maybe he was trying to bring other coaches down with him.  The list is ok, but I will rank him badly because it really bugs him  40-1

Black Panthers: The husband and wife team are back and so are the Panther’s premiership chances.  Despite a little bit of controversy during the selection process, one thing that isn’t controversial – finalist for sure!  6-1

Gurren:  Another new coach, with the added luck of having number 1 pick, this is a coach to watch. From the look of his team, he has ignored all the advice Phil Lowry gave him, and that’s a good thing because Phil never did well.  10-1

The Boners: The Boners have done a very noble thing. Giving the aging population he has decided to draft every single aging player, has been or never was (I am looking at you Cloke). It may be noble but injury and brill cream will stand in his way of winning. Horlicks is not performance enhancing.  40-1

Aardvarks: Daniel goes to a lot of effort in FFL. He had a colour coded excel sheet.   He said he was worried about sharing his information with me.  He needn’t worry, I am mathematically challenged and his methods are too hard to follow, and anything that spits out Danyle Pearce as being a player to pick, is not the system I am prepared to use.  Still he has a good chance for FFL glory    3-1

The Games Committee are at it again

The Commissioner has had a hard off season. Supplement intake has set shock waves in the FFL. We almost lost a coach, the premiership coach, because of this dark presence. WAS even changed his team name to We're Against Supplements. Funnily enough though while WAS is totally against supplements, the coach doesn't mind performance enhancing drugs. "How else do you become a dual premiership coach?" he was heard saying. Matt is kicking himself when he was told that alcohol was not performance enhancing. (but after Graduation-gate he should have already realized that).  Dan also had to be told that BBQ Shapes do not in any way help performance, as can be evidenced by a poor showing in so many years of FFL. 

To divert attention away from the controversies, the Commissioner has decided to shake up the draw a little.  All teams, for the first time ever, will play each other twice.  In order to accommodate this, there will be three mega rounds, which each team will have to play two separate games.  The Commissioner understands that player fatigue may be an issue, but no one works harder than her in FFL, so the whiney little players better shut up and play. 

So let the games begin!